Sunday, January 6, 2008

Running in Sub Zero Weather? My Incredible Shrinking Penis

It's getting warmer in NYC - which is good because last week when I ran 5 miles in -1F. The way I did it? Dumb. My upper body was fine - my lower body? A single male athletic supporter under Mizuno full length running tights. I froze my balls off, damn near literally. You gotta understand there are no cremasteric muscles in the penis (those are the muscles that cover the testis - your balls - and they raise and lower the scrotum in order to regulate the temperature of the testis and promote spermatogenesis - hence when the testicles become too cold, they risk damage, so instead of diverting the energy to increasing the bloodflow to the penis, the penis shrinks as your balls recoil & tighten up closer to the main pelvic region/bodywhich is reliably 98.6degrees). After my run at home I disrobed and saw my penis shrunk to a micro proportion, in fact the last time I recognized my dick to be this small?...can you say "recess" & "Boy Scout"? Penis size depends entirely on blood flow. Since blood flow is reduced in cold environments the penis is more restricted in colder weather so it tends to shrink. Okay, there's shrinking but this shit was ridiculous. I was seriously concerned about my dick y'all - so I had to investigate this more - place it under the lens to know what the hell was going on because my dick was also quite numb. I went over to a serious men's health site called altpenis.com, where you can read and discuss the use, abuse, care and maintenance of the penis. My dick is pretty important to me and I was getting a bit scared to be honest - as even after being home for a few minutes - I had what I could only describe as a case of "dormant dick", small, lifeless, & numb. Altpenis is a great site...definitely worth checking out! As suggested I cupped my hands around my scrotum and dick to warm things up I suppose - but after a few minutes...Spring had yet to arrive to my dormant dick. I was out running for only 40 minutes in that -1F weather too.... damn! Then I wondered...have I got dick frostbite? Oh my God!....is my dick frostbitten? Oh crap - so I had to read up on frostbite injuries and learned about 10 percent of all cases involve the ears, nose, cheeks, or penis. The first symptoms of frostbite are a feeling of cold and numbness and pain in the affected body part (that's me). The skin then begins to turn white or yellowish. I was still in pain & numb 6 - 7 minutes after getting home from my run but at least my dick (thank God) had not turned White or Yellow (no offense to Caucasians and Asians) - it was still that deep golden bronze color that means so much to me.... hoo-ray! Oh yes - the color of my dick is very important to me y'all - you see I am a Black Man and another Black Man I know said it best in his book " Hung": A Meditation on the Measure of Black Men in America by Scott Poulson-Bryant. The place: Providence, Rhode Island. The time, Spring 1986, my sophomore year in college (Brown University)… I’m a little new to this, this meeting a strange girl and getting some. I’m also new to sex with white girls. We’re done, and we’re lying there, she reaches down and says, ‘I thought you’d be bigger than you are, because you’re black.’ I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt this sudden explosion of self-doubt partly because I didn’t measure up to expectations. This was the beginning of an education for me, an education in the twisted ways in which race and sex rage through American culture. Through all the lessons I’d learned up to then, there had never been an intersection of race and sex before I’d laid down with the white chick at Brown. Somehow, I figured out that even if I didn’t have the huge black penis of her fantasy, it was more a matter of its color than its size. The discovery that I could be affected by someone else’s devotion to culturally prescribed mythology- this was my sexual revolution". —Excerpted from Chapter 1 and speaking to pervasive belief that Black men (me) are prodigiously endowed presents a conundrum for the contemporary black male (me again), who is simultaneously drawn to - and repelled by- this notion (me one more time). I took my tiny yet nonetheless still bronze dick to the shower - and prayed. After about 15 minutes of showering I noticed a gradual return to normalcy of the size of my dick - once constricted blood vessels were thawing and by 20 minutes into the shower the pain and numbness had gone away, blood and oxygen had returned, my dick was thawed and alive (again). I've learned my lesson, I will never go out in bitterly cold weather again without protection! You see I solved a running conundrum for a man, "how does a man train, go for a good long run when it's bitterly cold outside without having his dick go all frozen Vienna sausage? Presto! Attention Male Runners and any Female Runners who care about a Male Runner and his dick.....I have found one of the greatest inventions in the world, the "Penis Warmer" (or cock sock, call it whatcha want). These are incredible, they basically are like thermals for your dick. So now when it's bitter cold, I simply put on a Penis Warmer to stay toasty - problem solved! But I must warn you, the downside in wearing these is they tend to create a somewhat pronounced crotch, a larger bulge in your running shorts or running tights than usual: Objects do appear larger, believe me I know, I went running the other day with one of these things on my penis and received more than the usual number of warm greeting smiles (as I crossed paths with other runners). The added attention is a burden I will have to accept I suppose - I'm man enough to deal with it. Have a great day!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Miracle Girl Said.....
Su historia es sin embargo pregunta hilarante de I la validez de su historia? ¿Quizás, compuesto apenas teniendo una poca diversión?
(Your story is hilarious though I question the validity of your story? Perhaps, made up just having a little fun?)

Queen said...

Hmm I had lost touch with one of my favorite cousins. So I tried to locate your blog and finally found it again. I must say that I am glad that the family jewels are safe. However I didn't expect to be reading about my cousins frozen "dick" up close and personal. Hmm can I say TMI LOL Great site Lance, I'll be following your blog much closer now that I have found it again. On another note... For me Barack is "the one" however I too love Michelle Obama, and Hillary had better look out for Her!!
RK

monicac2 said...

What, no photos?

Anonymous said...

I had the same problem, so I had my wife sew a small fleece pouch into a pair of briefs, I can slip one of those air-activated charcoal hand warmers in there. Nice and toasty without as much bulge, and the fleece alone helps keep you nice and warm.